Umbra

I’m sitting here in my office, my dog is asleep on the couch behind me, the fridge and furnace are taking turns humming into the silence, I have nowhere to be, and yet my heart is racing as I sit down to attempt what feels to be a nausea-inducing trial of self expression. I have been (all too slowly, I fear) processing a complex mixture of thoughts and emotions for many months, and I believe the time has come to try to share some of them with you, and also to give a long overdue update as to what Bad Buddy has been up to. I don’t properly know where to begin, so just… don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one.

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“What is your definition of success?”

That is the question Shari asked Geoff, Andi and myself the day we auditioned/interviewed her for the band and it’s been rattling around in my head ever since. It’s such a simple question but I find the answer difficult to convey. I could proudly list the things we have created or achieved since we started this project, and while I am very excited to share some of our recent endeavors, a list of our accomplishments is not my definition of success. 

I don’t know why, but before I can express my thoughts on the matter, (before I can do just about anything, really), I’m feeling compelled to explain  where I’m at. I think I just need to shatter the hollow connections created by the internet every now and then and try to share in some reality. In order to accurately articulate my current perspective you’ll have to have an understanding of the past. At the risk of turning this blog post into an absolute novel, I’d like to begin by introducing how Shari came to join the band.

July of last year was a mental destination I’d been holding onto for dear life. Geoff got booked to play a real live show up at the North Country Fair campground. The bill was packed full of dear friends whose songs I hadn’t heard in far too long. Friendly faces gathered on nostalgic grounds - nourishment for the soul. I hadn’t seen a band, fully amplified, on the same stage, with an audience, in what felt like an eternity (keeping in mind that my entire life revolved around live shows, eight-days-a-week, for over a decade - it goes without saying I was missing it pretty bad). Getting to once again experience the sound of fully wired-up bands pumping through speakers was an emotional overload; when the music started there was not a dry eye in the house. 

We had arrived a day or so prior, and spent every hour we could soaking up social interaction with friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years. One of those people was Shari Rae. I’ve crossed paths with Shari many times over the years, originally meeting her as the upright player and backup singer for Miss Quincy and then later seeing her in the same role with Scott Cook. We’d never spent all that much time together, but this camping trip saw to change that. I don’t know whether it was the fact that our campsite had the highly coveted (and therefore very popular) screen tent, or that we had happened to set up in a central location, but I found myself spending most of each day in conversations with Shari. 

If you haven’t met her, I would say describing Shari as “intimidating” is not just an understatement, but missing the mark. She carries herself with a quiet power that can be felt from a distance. It’s the kind of power that comes from lived experience, from being an observer, a listener, and speaking with intent. Thoughtful and decisive, Shari strikes a balance between open and guarded. She is incredibly strong willed, delightfully tenderhearted, and an overall magnetic person to be around. I’d say she’s a woman who has put up with enough shit to not put up with it, anymore. I suppose meeting someone who can see through any attempt at subterfuge would feel intimidating to those hanging a veil. To be clear, Shari is not harsh, judgemental, nor does she ask to be impressed. She just has good taste in people and has chosen to surround herself with the real ones - a skill that takes time to cultivate. I only include this description of Shari so that whomever may be reading this might understand how much I was enjoying getting to know her, how happy I was when the day of the show came and she chose to join me at my spot in the grass, and why the conversation that followed threw me for such a loop.

“Man, I really want to play electric bass in a band again.” 

Shari said those words and I think I may have stopped breathing. A million thoughts flooded my head: “Whhhhhatt the fuuuuccckkk? Really? Wait - what? Does Shari know that Bad Buddy is actively seeking a bass player/singer? Woah, chill, DON’T get your hopes up, there is no way. Plus, she lives in Calgary, how could we make that work? Ugh. Stop. Just worry in order here. We’re just talking. But what if she does want to be in the band… wait - is this some sort of weird passive way of getting our attention because I’m really not into that sort of communication. Hah! Oh come on. That’s got to be completely out of character. I mean I don’t know her very well, but there’s no way she is trying to manipulate a band application here, especially with zero subtly. Okokokokok shh stop stop stop just be present, you’re having a conversation, oh, for the love of fu– just SAY SOMETHING.

“Oh yeah?” 

OoooOOhhh wow. Real nice. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, BRAIN.

Shari went on to say that she’d played electric a bunch in the past and was missing it after spending so long on the upright. She also mentioned that she had recently been approached to join a band but turned them down. At this, my heart sank a bit, as Bad Buddy is often compared to the band she spoke of, however, I believe the comparison is more-so because of the quantity of females in the band and not the quality of the music (quality as in style, not quality as in standard). Our conversation continued and revealed that Shari wasn’t exactly seeking out a project, but if something came up with the right vibe, she might be inclined to be a part of it. There was a long period of silence. 

Well, at least it felt like a long period, and “silence” might be a bit of an exaggeration as there was a band blasting thirty feet away from us and my mind was running haywire again. Either way, I composed my thoughts, took a breath, and told Shari that, as coincidence would have it, Bad Buddy was actually in search of a new bass player. I told her not to feel pressured to provide a response right then, and I would obviously have to speak to Andi and Geoff, but maybe she could take some time and listen to the tracks. If she was interested she could reach out, but no hard feelings either way. Two weeks later we got the email: “If it is still on the table, I would love love love to play with Bad Buddy.” 

With Shari living in a different city from the rest of the band there were some logistics that needed to be sorted, and we wanted to audition/interview each other to see if it was going to be a good fit. We set up a date in September to jam some tunes and feel out the band dynamic. My good pal, Keith Rodger, graciously let us take over his house for the afternoon (thank you) and we played through a handful of songs that Shari had prepared. The band immediately felt tight. Geoff and Shari clicked effortlessly, and Shari quickly picked up on the harmonies. We would finish a song and laugh, you’d have thought we’d been rehearsing together for years. Afterwards, we settled in around a table on the porch for the interview. It was after quite some time of Andi, Geoff and I cross-examining Shari, sharing our philosophies and expectations, that Shari proposed the question to us:

“What is your definition of success?”

What an excellent question. Upon asking, it served not only the function of eliciting information, but simultaneously offered an insight into what Shari values while testing the cohesiveness of Bad Buddy’s collective vision.

Over a year of pondering later, I’ve come to think that success is something that can not be measured. It’s not really even a thing. I view it more as an elusive, internal feeling experienced when achieving a dream or goal, and while it might be validating, I’m not sure success can be awarded to someone or something by an external source. I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, but goal setting has never been my forte. It’s only in the time I’ve spent with Bad Buddy that I’ve found a sense of direction. This time has taught me that when I can clearly focus on what I want, whatever it is, I will succeed. That may sound asinine, but I have a sneaking suspicion that life might be so simple. It’s uncovering what I actually want that proves challenging. 

Last October Geoff and I went camping for the entire month. It was the greatest experience of my life. When you’re in the middle of nowhere with no service for so long, it really affords you the time to think (I can’t recommend it enough). I had many beautiful and terrifying revelations out there on the land, and I got a glimpse of what my underlying goal in life is; a common thread that connects every decision I make. Again, it’s elusive, hard to put into words. It came to me in two parts:

1: I want what other people want. Not in the way where I bend over backwards or change myself to suit the needs of someone else, but in the way of helping facilitate whatever dreams a person might have. It brings me great joy and satisfaction and comes in all shapes and sizes. If someone wants to go to lunch, I want to be their lunch date, if someone wants to have a fire, I’ll bring the wood, if someone wants to share their music, I want to make it sound like it does in their head. Succinctly put, I want to assist in guiding abstract concepts into reality, and no concept is too small. In this way I have gotten to witness how all humans are creative in nature. We’re creating and manipulating reality all the time. I think that’s why there’s so many amazing things that come from collaboration. How incredible is it that a group of individuals can share a mental picture so clearly that they can create something out of thin air? I know this probably sounds like fluffy supernatural bullshit and understand if you feel the need to let out an eye roll right about now. I’m just saying - the pizza you order would never exist if you didn’t want it enough to will it into reality.  

2: I know that my personal goal in life can’t just be “I’ll have what they’re having,” and I assure you that it’s not. This deeper desire applies only to me, so it’s tough to pinpoint (I find it easier to tap into when I have someone to share it with). It is not concrete, but it is present in all aspects of my life, especially art. I want to make art that speaks directly from the invisible self. I want to remain connected to who I am every step of the way, to check myself regularly, and to mediate whatever it is I wish to convey without fear, hesitation, or doubt, as honestly as possible, to the fullest extent of my ability, and I want to do it all with kindness and understanding. When I create from that place, it brings peace. It goes without saying that all of us in the band want to make a sustainable career out of music. We’d love to be able to make a living without jobs on the side just to survive, but even if that day never comes, I believe I will have succeeded, as what makes me feel successful is knowing that I’m doing my best to be true to myself and making connections with wonderful people. In turn, I feel I am rewarded in the form of lyrics, and melody, and visual art, and ideas, and jokes, and conversations, and my relationships, and above all else: a gentle state of being. 

I can not emphasize enough that I am sooooo bad at this second part. It’s hard to hold onto such an intangible sense of purpose. Why I’m obliged to dedicate my life in pursuit of an inexplicable “feeling” is beyond me (for the record, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, either). Staying sane this last year has been mental warfare. I’m constantly overextending myself and losing the plot in worlds of distractions. My effort to not worry about all that lies ahead of me and to be present in any given moment, with work, with music, with friends, has been an extreme exercise in compartmentalization. I’ve been second-guessing every decision I make, feeling as if I’m always getting something wrong. Restless, I’ve spent hours thinking “what am I supposed to be doing?” “Where am I supposed to be?” It’s akin to the feeling you get when you walk into a room only to forget what brought you there, amplified exponentially, and applied to just existing. I’ve repeatedly convinced myself that I’m a bad friend, a bad partner, a bad sibling and daughter. I’ve been feeling devastated by my inabilities, certain of the risk they pose to anyone unfortunate enough to be close with me, especially the people in this band. I have been overwhelmed with fear that I’m going to fuck everything up, not just for myself, but for everybody. It’s paralyzing and has held me hostage, unable to move forward out of fear it will be in the wrong direction; teetering on the edge of some unseen apex fighting desperately not to fall backwards instead of taking one more step. 

Battling my toxic internal monologue has been a constant struggle, whatever I manage to beat into submission seems to come back and haunt me. I’ve been waking up with full blown panic attacks in the middle of the night. It pains me to admit that I’ve caught myself quietly pining for illness or injury, something out of my control to befall me and excuse me from my commitments - what an asshole (looks like fear IS the mind killer). While I’d greatly prefer not to bring my darkest moments into the light, it’s here that my greatest lessons are learned, and it’s the perspective I have gained as a result that I am hoping to share with you now.

I have found myself dwelling upon a thought voiced by Shari a few months ago: why is it, when you’re giving it all you’ve got, when you’re really trying to make something special, why is it then that everything suddenly seems to stand in your way? 

This last year has felt like a series of walls I needed to climb. I’ve been feeling so distressed and uncomfortable. There have been many barriers on the path, (my incessant self-doubt proving to be the greatest hurdle of them all), but why? Why now, when I know that I am capable, when I’m surrounded by talented, beautiful, supportive, like-minded people, AND we have a clear vision, AND not just the drive but - get this - the resources to actually execute it? Why now is it so hard to keep it together? 

Out of the ether, an idea presented itself to me. The idea that the resistance felt is the shadow cast by the dream, and that shadow will be exactly proportional to the size of the dream. The dream, in my case: an intangible sense of purpose of which I barely have the ability to perceive combined with a want to aid in facilitating the abstract aspirations of the humans around me. Two driving forces that, when imbalanced, pull me in opposing directions. From this standpoint, it seems all of the resistance I have been faced with has been created entirely within myself. I just need to take the time to remember what it is that I want and adjust my sights in that direction. By doing so, I’ll grant myself the vision I need to keep moving forward, no matter how long or dark the shadow may be. 

I’m comforted by the thought that the darkness I've been experiencing could mean I’m close to reaching something big. Afterall, the darkest point of a shadow - the umbra - is closest to the form from which it is cast. I’d like to think that all of the push back I’ve been experiencing has set me on the right track. I can recalibrate and move past self-pity because I’m not pitiful, I’m powerful. I can create something from nothing. I created this life for myself. I chose the path. I chose the pace, and I’ve come to remember that if ever it becomes too wearisome, then I can choose to rest or be it on me to find a different way altogether. 

Even though I pushed myself far closer to the edge than I ever cared to be again, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I did the things I said I was going to do. I’m proud of the fact that I actually scheduled my time well enough to accomplish them all, and, going forward, I now know that it is imperative for me to schedule in some serious down time so I don’t have a mental fucking breakdown. I’ve certainly learned that I have got to stop putting such an outrageous amount of pressure on myself. I mean honestly, what kind of ego-maniac do you have to be to think that you have the power to ruin the lives of everyone you hold dear simply by taking a day off? I’m sorry, what was that? You’re begging for illness? Just take a nap or something, ya dumb fuck.    

Though I remain effectively terrible at maintaining a healthy internal balance, (a fact that is painfully obvious as I mock myself immediately after promising not to be too hard on myself), I’m taking time to regain my focus. It’s not easy. It’s taken me nine days to compose this blog post, all the while asking myself “why am I doing this?” Just following that feeling, I suppose. I also really wanted to formally introduce Shari, who, by agreeing to be a part of this, has breathed new life into our sails and elevated the experience for all of us (she’s the best).

In sharing this, all I want is for anyone who might read this to get to the end and feel that they understand. It seems a lot of people are feeling pretty low these days, so perhaps it’s even relatable. In which case, it's nice to remember that you’re not alone. 

I am feeling incredibly drained, and though I long for a month in the wilderness, there is much to be done and the infinite boundless to explore. At least now I think I'm finally ready to press forward into the dark. 

Love you, boos.

-e. 

P.S. 

If you thought this post couldn’t get any longer, think again! In all my ruminations I’ve left out a couple important things that need mentioning: 

While Andi, Geoff and I were in Bad Buddy limbo, wondering how to go about finding a unicorn bass player/backup singer, we split the role into two people - Daniel Sedmak and Amber Suchy. These two brilliant musicians and absolutely fantastic people made it possible for us to keep this lovely little dream alive. It was a joy playing music with them. Their time spent with Bad Buddy, however brief, was invaluable. We can not express enough gratitude for what they have done for us. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.  

I also never actually gave a single update about what the fuck Bad Buddy has even been doing with our time in the shadows. To keep it brief: we’ve been cooking up a new album that we’ll be recording at the end of January. I locked myself in my basement for four days and cranked out eight songs (not all of which are for bb), which was bonkers. Andi’s also been pumping out the hits. We actually did our first proper co-write which was a completely unique and special experience for the both of us. All four of us shipped out of town and did a full band creative retreat where we arranged and rehearsed the new tunes. That was followed by a second week in Edmonton to start putting some polish on what is going to become the new record. We are SO excited to share these new songs with you, I think they’re really really really great. To top it off, we’ve got not one, not two, but THREE music videos that we’ll be shooting your way in the future. Also blahblahblah shows and new merch and photos n shiet blahblahblahh - you get it. PHEW. Ok. That’s all I got for now. Thanks for sticking with us. xo.

On Houseplants

Last week I landed back on planet Earth. I can’t fully explain where I was prior to my most recent arrival, all I know is that suddenly, halfway through the second set of a band I was running sound for, I felt a kind of deep ‘thump’, and there I was. 

I think I left my body somewhere around five (or was it six?) months ago. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all doom and gloom. Bad Buddy was named the “Seachange Artist of the Year,” a title we are honoured to have been awarded. At Christmas I got to experience the joy of seeing my whole family in the same room for the first time in what feels like an eternity. Geoff and I had the most amazing adventure where we went camping for the entire month of October, the two of us living in a tent by a river. It was a chilly paradise where I was wonderfully unreachable and it gave me some much needed mental space. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about houseplants. Anyone who has been inside my house knows I have somewhat of a jungle growing in there, most of which has been adopted through various friends looking for a change of scenery. I’ve been thinking about the plants, admiring how well they do in the low light of the living room. I recalled a conversation with someone who didn't understand the love of houseplants, finding them unnatural. Surely plants should be growing outside in the sunshine and the rain and the pollinators. While I understand this perspective, the relationship I have with my plants is something I hold dear to my heart.

There was a time when my houseplants were the only thing keeping me alive. At my lowest, the signs of neglect were clear in each of them, their wilting forms a reflection of myself. I knew it was wrong of me to treat them so poorly. They require so little, and it was my responsibility to provide that small amount of care. Though they are incredibly resilient, they need help to grow, they can’t survive on their own. When I refused to let them die, I refused the same to myself. Caring for them became self care, and we grew into healthy beings together. I’ve gotten quite good at recognizing when the plants are in need - not enough water, too much water, too dim, too bright, too cold. I often make adjustments to make up for what might be lacking. Upon reflection, I realize that I stopped addressing the symptoms of need within myself somewhere along the way.

I know I’m not alone when I express my fatigue. It’s exhausting feeling like constantly I have to remind myself that “this is not a normal time, it's alright to not feel normal,” that my lack of motivation isn’t because I’m a failure, that I’m going to get through this, that I haven’t let anybody down. Each day of this pandemic I’ve worked to summon the energy to pour into the things I’m passionate about, and each day it has become increasingly more difficult to find the will. So I suppose six months ago (or was it five?) the well must have run dry. My music career, my LIFE, started to feel like a fantasy. It’s ridiculous, really, because Andi, Geoff and I have been working really hard, we still have our eyes on the prize, it’s just that making any “future plans” felt like a strange prank we kept pulling on ourselves. It’s like when you repeat a word over and over until it doesn’t make sense to you anymore. It was such a long time trying to keep my heart a-float. My vision blurred, I got tired of treading water. 

Seems to me that ol’ Al really hit the nail on the head when he said that time is relative. Relatively speaking, it felt like I had nothing to tie me to reality - any shows were canceled (again), any excitement snuffed out, any sense of urgency diminished. Time seemed to have lost all meaning; whatever hope I had managed to scrape together for the future faded away, like a dream on awakening, and I floated gently into dissociation.

But, Last week I landed back on planet Earth.

I can’t fully explain what kicked me back into myself, but wow am I ever thankful for whatever did. While I still feel a little distant, I feel more present than I have in a long time (I’ve almost finished all the laundry). I can speak very little of my trip to outer space. I just think my body and brain needed to reboot. I’ve never been good at relaxing, and I need to acknowledge the importance of being restful.

I’m sure this comes as no surprise, but I didn’t get into music for money (lol) or validation. I’m here because I am compelled to be, because I love it, and if I start to resent myself, or the art I am working on, I know it’s time to take a step back, regroup, and remind myself what is important. I know Andi and Geoff feel the same. I’m reminding myself that in order to continue to output, there must be input. The other day, I was speaking with a friend of mine. She said, “sometimes it’s good to have periods with little-to-no output,” and assured me that my inspiration would return. I think she is wise. I feel I’m on the cusp of welcoming creativity back with open arms. I’m thrilled to feel there is some bubbling under the surface. Perhaps my ideas just needed some time to ferment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about houseplants. A houseplant didn’t ask to be a houseplant the same as I didn’t ask to be born, yet here we are. The least I can do is offer a little care to get by. I’m working to acknowledge when I need a little more sun, or a little less water, or to be left alone for a while and I’m working to give myself at least the same attention I’d give to a cactus. 

It’s nice to be myself again.
How strange it is to be anything at all. 

-e

P.S - Things are coming up and they are starting to feel real. (I’m convinced they are). I think I’ll keep my feet firmly on the ground for a while. Thanks for sticking with us.

To my friends: I couldn’t do this without you. I love you all.

Mind Control

Recently I’ve been waking up before the birds. Not exactly by choice, mind you, but it’s always at least a little nice to be awake to watch the day come into focus. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently (always) and a little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, “uh oh, I think I feel a blog post coming on.” I’ve spent a fair bit of time ruminating about our new single, “Mind Control,” which came out two weeks ago. Having the final product in our hands feels as though we have made it to the top of a long, steep climb. I really want to share, with whoever cares to read this, why this single feels so triumphant, and also how dramatically my perspective has shifted since I wrote the tune two years ago.

I was camping with some friends the day that “Mind Control” went live. It felt great to have my pals ask me about the process, and to hear that they were excited to listen to the tune. I mentioned that it was sometime in the middle of the night when it was written, and I remembered that I actually had every single version of the song, from voice memo to demo to final master on my phone. We decided to listen through the various versions and it was such a fun experience to hear them all back to back. It was then that I noticed the original voice memo was dated “17 Jun. 2019.” Two years ago - it feels like forever. I can’t hardly believe everything that has happened between that voice memo and this moment. It makes me laugh. It breaks my heart. 

June 17th, 2019. I’m sure at that time we were nearly packed for the North Country Fair. We had a busy summer planned with our first ever tour to look forward to. We were all talking big plans for the future, and what was to come. Then it was 2020. What a gag. Hiiiiiiiilarious. Blahblahblah, we became a three piece, whateverwhateverwhatever. No one needs to be reminded of how str8 fukt the last 18 months have been and this post ain’t about that. Andi and Geoff and I spent many nights talking about what the three of us should do and how best to proceed as our new found trio. We decided to just keep making music with the knowledge that everything else will be what it is. Let’s just get a new song out and see where it takes us.

I confess, there was a lot of self doubt on my part. I know Andi felt similarly. Yes, we put out a record that we love, but could we do it again? What if we didn’t know how to sound like Bad Buddy anymore? That fear clung to me for months. It weighed me down. My motivation was at an all time low, I hated every song I wrote, I cried (a lot) in frustration and self loathing and worry. “Onward and upward,” became “onward and onward,” spoken through gritted teeth, but onward we went.  

I won’t even begin to explain how many zoom calls, emails and demos flew around the internet to make “Mind Control” happen, you’ll just have to take my word for it that it was a LOT. Feel changes, arrangement rearrangements, tone tone tone - all buffered through the world wide web. What a shit way to make music. When we actually got to tracking, the process was out of this world and like nothing any of us had ever done before. Once we actually solidified what we wanted the song to be, we recorded everything remotely. One at a time. We started with the drums. 

I need to take a moment to talk about the technical side of things here because I am absolutely blown the fuck away at what Geoffrey Hamdon-O’Brien managed to pull off with this tune. Geoff recorded the drums to nothing but a metronome. No scratch guitar, no guide vocals, nothing. Just drums and a click track. We set the tempo, and he tracked to the steady and unforgiving sounds of Marimba 2. Oh, I suppose at one point I gave him a verbal count leading into the end section of the bridge (one, two, one two three four), but that is LITERALLY IT. We ended up keeping the count-in in the tune as a reminder. I remember at one point Geoff saying “I just feel like it’s not grooving as hard as I want it to.” Grooving to what?! There is NOTHING ELSE to groove to! Yeesh. I repeat: what a shit way to make music. 

I don’t want this blog post to become too much of a novel, so I’ll be brief with the rest of the recording process, but I have to bring up the fact that “Mind Control” features Andi’s debut guitar solo, which she fully knocked out of the park. The solo you hear when you listen to the track is also her FIRST TAKE. Beautiful. Chef’s kiss. I suppose it’s also my debut as a recording bass player (which for anyone who is interested was the very last thing we recorded), but let’s move on.

A whopping SIXTY tracks later we have our baby. And even though it’s just three of us it sounds like us. It sounds like BAD BUDDY. Through all the low (low low) lows, and self doubt, and the “what’s the points?,” the grants written and grants denied, the deep sighs and tears cried, we’ve made it here and we’ve got something to show for it. Something awesome. It is everything we wanted it to be. It is a triumph.

I mentioned at the top of this post that I was also going to explain how my perspective of this song shifted dramatically since I wrote it. To recap - June 17th, 2019 I wrote the song, June 8th, 2021 we released the song, one week later on June 15th, 2021 I get diagnosed with ADHD. 

For anyone doing the mental math, that was one week ago. 

It’s been a hard while, this pandemic. Has it been one long day or a lifetime? Does it matter? I’m sure we’ve all been in talks revolving around how illuminating it is to have all the distractions of life stripped away from us overnight and to be suddenly thrown into the bottomless pit of time. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster, that’s for sure. I feel as if I have been switching between three day cycles of borderline-manic levels of productivity and being unable to get out of bed. If you’re reading this, you might recall that in our post about mental health, Geoff revealed that he was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Well, turns out birds of a feather really do flock together. It was actually Geoff, who has been stuck with me throughout all of this, who planted the seed that maybe, maaaaybe, I might have ADHD, too. 

When I started looking at my life through the lens of ADHD it made me feel as though I might be losing my mind. It felt as if I were living under a microscope - a vicious mental cycle. Was I changing my behaviour because it was suggested to me that I might have ADHD and my shitty self is now looking for an excuse for being incompetent, or do I always operate this way and I’m just now noticing how very obvious it is that I definitely have ADHD and I can clearly see the endless coping/masking mechanisms I have created to get by in daily life but also maybe the thought of that is too overwhelming to possibly be true? 

Turns out imposter syndrome is a symptom of the disorder, which I find giggle worthy.

To bring it back to the music, imagine my surprise listening to Bad Buddy’s ~HaWt NeW SiNgLe~ “Mind Control” with my shiny new diagnosis. A two year old song about how I can’t relax, can’t slow down, can’t stop my mind from racing - constantly losing arguments with myself just to try to get a bit of rest. So much noise. Chaos. I heave a heavy sigh as I write this. 

Overall, I feel the triumphant nature of this release more than I do the shock of discovering I’m neurodivergent at 32 years old. As if some part of me didn’t already know that, as if it means anything at all. Geoff says “having the knowledge of this diagnosis simply allows me to engage more authentically with my experience,” which I love. 

Anyhow. Here we are, looking out at the view from the top of a very, very steep climb indeed. I definitely wouldn’t say it’s all going to be downhill from here, but at least we bagged one peak in the range. It’s been a really nice place for a rest, and I think I can see a light coming over the horizon. We should probably get moving. 

Onward and upward.

-e. 

Real Talk

ANDI

It’s kind of hard to know where to start when talking about mental health, especially personal mental health. But I do really think it should be talked about the same way as physical health and wellbeing. I think personal mental health sick days should be just as easy to ask for as regular sick days (and then you remember those employers who told you to suck it up and get back to work, like bro I just threw up in the staff bathroom but okay.) Thankfully I’m not nearly as accommodating as I used to be so I don’t put up with that shit anymore. 

I know that I was a sensitive kid growing up; I was reactive and emotions came quickly and easy to me, and I picked up on other people's vibes. Wanna see my birth chart? I totally have it! But I never thought of myself as anxious. Anxiety wasn’t something I experienced until adulthood. I’d say around 23 it got really bad and now, as I near 28, I feel like I’m finally starting to feel like my old self again. I’m just getting that confidence back that I used to have. I think of me at 21, darting through bros at the bar with my best friend by my side and I truly remember feeling invincible (drunk confidence?) and cool and like an independent bad bitch, and I wasn’t faking it at all. If you’ve met me in the last five years and thought “wow much confidence, very self love” I was often, faking it. Fake it till you make it, baby! Although, being on stage is one of the few places I still got to catch a glimpse of my old self. 

Every single person's experience and journey with mental health is different. I would say in the grand scheme of things, mine has been manageable and I am also fortunate to have a really supportive core group of people who are open and comfortable talking about mental health. The biggest thing for me was asking for help and telling people that I wasn’t okay. This might not mean anything, but I am an INFP-T Mediator personality type. Basically I like to keep the peace, will push down my own discomfort/feelings in favour of others feeling comfortable and I am always concerned with people thinking I have it together. I worry about the “Oh wow, Andi isn’t okay” or “hmm I thought she had it all together”. I always want to appear okay and I want other people to think I am okay. Even when I’m not. That is something I am unlearning every day.

My mental health is not a harmonious hug, I still wake up wanting to swap places with someone who’s life on instagram looks ~perfect~ some days. But I try to do these things for myself, somedays I throw it all out the window but maybe you will find something in my routine that speaks to you:

1. I will literally stand in front of my mirror and compliment myself outloud; physical, personality traits, talents, skills. I think of them and I name them. I tell myself outloud that: I am loving, I am loved, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am valued and irreplaceable. 

2. I ask for help. There is absolutely no shame, weakness or negativity in asking for help. I used to have a huge issue with this but I know it is really important. Everyone needs help sometimes, even Spiderman. If I am feeling really sensitive and reactive, I might even tell my partner just so he knows. Then if he does say something and I react in an angry or abrupt way, he isn’t surprised and can offer comfort. I also ask for hugs. People can’t read minds, that is just not a power we possess. So ask for help and ask for hugs. 

3. Eliminate shame and own your decisions, big or small. When it comes to self medicating with weed and alcohol, or skipping a yoga day, instead of shaming myself I *try to* own it (lol some days I still feel shame but I try to shut it down). My therapist taught me this. While it would be amazing if I didn’t crave wine in stressful situations or a toke, I am only human, and so are you. But I used to numbly roll a joint or drink wine without tasting or experiencing it. Now when I choose wine or weed or whatever, I put myself fully in the moment. I read the tasting notes on the bottle, I relish opening it with the wine knife, I admire the dark red colour as it pours from the bottle to my glass. I smell it, I take a slow first sip and let myself taste it. I will be bougie and try to see if I can taste the things that the description told me I would. Mmm leather and red currants or whatever the fuck? Is that vanilla? Spices? Bullshit? Why am I drinking with my pinkie pointed up? This isn’t high tea with the queen. Then it isn’t a shame inducing secret I feel like hiding, it is an experience and I am living it. (And loving it, let's be honest.) 

4. I reread books and rewatch movies that I love. Last summer when I was very depressed, crying everyday, having mood swings and doing this, my partner commented on how he didn’t think it was helping me feel better. And while I was definitely watching too much tv for anyone's health, I learned through therapy that in unpredictable times (like a pandemic) people cope by returning to things that are familiar, where we know how it ends and what to expect. I see nothing wrong with this. 

5. I avoid toxic positivity. You know those friends who are like “well I just go for walks, and drink water and eat lots of veggies”?  Sure, that can all help and it's great, take care of yourself for sure, but they aren’t going to fix the existential dread coursing through my body, CAROL!  Or the “well did you try listening to some happy music and dancing? Always works for me” or a straight up “find the silver lining!” Sometimes there is no fucking silver lining and being told that just makes you want to scream into the void and it also makes you feel like you aren’t trying hard enough. Which leads to shame. And this is a shame free zone, my pals. 

6. Get off social media. Seriously. It’s the fucking worst. There are apps with timers that will shut you out of the social apps after 20 minutes or so. Social media is the biggest fake of all. No one is having the best time all the time. We share our most shiny, bright, beautiful moments and there isn’t anything wrong with that but it also isn’t realistic. I shared a really hawt photo of myself on instagram 2 days ago. I took that photo, on New Years I think, and I love how I look and the compliments really were lovely, but I can love myself without red lipstick and likes. Lately I bum around my house in my favourite jeans and an old grey Cape Breton sweater (never even been to Cape Breton but the sweater rules). The reality is not the red lipstick. The reality is unwashed hair in a messy bun and the same jeans with an oil stain on them from putting oil into the car a week ago and eating a plain tortilla and cookie for breakfast. Get off instagram, get off Facebook, twitter, etc and just let yourself be. 

7. Therapy! In September I started going to therapy to a family trauma and self esteem specialist. Normally I wouldn’t be able to afford it, but I got lucky and found an amazing therapist who had some Pay-What-You-Can spots open. I talk to Penny via video call twice a month about literally anything I need to. One week it will be about a professional obstacle at work, then I’ll talk about my relationships with loved ones that I’m struggling with, and the next time we talk about motivation (or lack thereof) and how I can’t even seem to stick with a 30 day yoga challenge and that feeling of failure. We talked about how we are all born assertive and then along the way of childhood we learn to be passive, aggressive or the motherload - passive aggressive!! I cannot tell you how amazing it is to go to someone, have them listen to you and help you name the things you are feeling and experiencing. Penny has never made me feel judged, shamed or embarrassed. She is just uplifting, patient, kind and smart as hell.  I encourage every person in the world to find a GOOD therapist if they have the resources to do so. Venting to your bff just isn’t the same because they will validate everything you do because they love you so much and/or they just aren’t qualified to give you the answers and guidance you need to work through personal obstacles. 

8. I tell my trusted people when I am having a rough day. Or when I can’t be their emotional support because I feel so low and sad myself. It’s okay to let people know you can’t be there for them in that moment because you have to be there for yourself. It’s okay to put yourself first in these ways. Gently tell them you need space from talking about heavy shit. They love you and will understand. 

9. Mostly I am just trying to show myself the same love I show my partner, siblings, parents, friends, pets and community. We deserve love from ourselves above all else. This is easier said than done. I catch myself a lot. But the joking “God I’m such a dumb bitch” remarks I used to make to myself are gone. Because your brain listens to that, joke or not, and all it hears is mean words directed at your bomb-ass self. Say nice things to yourself. If you would buy your friends flowers, buy yourself flowers. If you would go for a walk with a friend and buy them a coffee, you are your own built in best friend! Treat yo self! Do you light candles for hot dates? Light candles for yourself and date yourself. Show that best friend love and they will return the favour. 

Every mental health experience is different. I am in no way a mental health professional. If you are struggling, please reach out. Truly, you are not alone. I am happy to share the resources people have shared with me. 

A love letter from me to myself and to you:

You are loved. You are lovable. You are loving. You are worthy, valid, important and irreplaceable. You have skills and talents that add beauty to the world around you. You are smart, beautiful and compassionate. I love you. Be gentle with yourself. 

Love, 

Andi

GEOFF

Yo Dawgies, time to get real here.  I don’t say much publicly, but today I’ve got something personal and relevant so HERE GOES!

All my life I have struggled with anxiety, depression, and a whole lot of frustration with myself. I have constantly found myself overwhelmed, feeling paralyzed and unable to improve on my issues. I have created a lot of chaos for myself and worst of all, at times created chaos for those closest to me. It’s been a lot of stabbing in the dark looking for solutions and beating myself up for not finding any. About two years ago I started to reach out for help, finally accepting that there was a high possibility that the solutions I sought were not being found because I was approaching my issues from a flawed framework. I started to realize that maybe I do have agency, a concept that was a dream to me at the time. Perhaps proper mental and emotional management and utilization of said agency could not be achieved with my limited and negatively-biased perspective of myself, especially considering that I had normalized a lot of issues I struggled with for decades. 

Ultimately, my reflection led me to reach out for help, which culminated in my recent diagnosis of ADHD with depression comorbidity. I had been undiagnosed for 33 years and ADHD was completely off my radar for most of my life. It was a total game changer. (Stats say 80% of people with adult ADHD are currently undiagnosed, by the way.) There was so much I hadn’t known or had not properly understood about myself, and in light of this diagnosis I felt (and continue to feel) a thirst to build on my still limited knowledge. I began to try to learn what I could about ADHD, and I was pleasantly surprised that the more I learned the better I felt. I felt seen in a strange new way. I felt like I finally had a hope of understanding myself. I immediately discovered a newfound compassion for myself and the countless others with similar stories. I found myself thinking more and more about the range of mental health issues and how little I understood, but obviously I’m not alone.  I watched a video of an ADHD specialist giving a lecture to a hall full of hundreds of practicing doctors - the video was recent, not even 5 years ago. The specialist was speaking to hundreds of doctors about ADHD because it is still so widely misunderstood in the medical community that it continues to be largely misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. It makes me wonder - how many people are out there struggling because they’re misdiagnosed, or undiagnosed?  When ADHD alone is so misunderstood and so widespread, it’s hard to imagine the full scope of what we fail to understand, educate about, and effectively treat today regarding mental health as a whole. The consequences of this can be utterly tragic at worst if not unnecessarily stagnating at best. 

Receiving a diagnosis from a trusted source is huge in and of itself, let alone any prescription or treatment.  Again, it’s about finding the proper framework to examine oneself. For the first time in my life I feel like I have found the right framework, one that makes sense for me. Somebody close to me recently asked me what my diagnosis means for me. No, it’s not an easy instant fix-all. My issues are still here, and they’re still mine to navigate.  However, a proper diagnosis and treatment means I can now stop grasping at straws and stabbing in the dark, beating myself up to no positive effect, and instead equip myself with effective tools to manage myself and move forward. For that, I feel so, so lucky.  

I have one last thought I’d like to touch on before wrapping this up, it’s kind of related/unrelated. I’m trying really hard to ignore/resist the toxic “self love” narrative that, in my opinion, is sometimes carelessly pushed around. Self-love is important, but I have witnessed the idea of “self-love” being used, even if unconsciously, as a mask to validate unhealthy self-obsession, or cover for insecurity. Basically I see it being used in a very shallow way, as though self love is just incorporating positive self talk, or working on body positivity. This can be really toxic for people who are struggling, depressed, even suicidal. Real self love isn’t as easy as “just love yourself more, it’s ok to be more selfish, look out for number 1”. All of those could be just fine, but they fail to recognize the reality that we all need love from other sources than ourselves. If you have healthy self-esteem and know your true worth, that’s fucking awesome.  My issue is that when I see people or groups, promoting this “all you need is you, you gotta love yourself first” bullshit, it can really add to the shame and frustration that people who struggle with mental health issues might feel about needing help. I believe that we are all a part of something bigger and that to love ourselves we must try and love all that we are a part of, and to also try not compromise one for the other. I’ve yet to find that balance, but I’m trying to keep that in my mind and in my heart. 

It’s mental health awareness day, so I invite anybody who might relate to this type of struggle to try and adopt a philosophy of compassion for themselves and others, and recognize that (again lol) the proper framework is absolutely essential for the facilitation of growth and healing. We really need to lose the stigma attached to diagnosis and treatment, and recognize that mental health issues are still largely misunderstood, even in the medical community. These days, with everybody being more and more isolated, this is more important than ever.  We gotta take good care of ourselves and recognize that in order to do so we all need to be cared for as well.  I am so grateful for the care I've been given, and the care that I'm learning to give more and more to myself and others. I’m starting to really learn the truth that if I want to be there for others I need to show up for myself. At the same time, if I want to help myself and be caring towards myself, then I need to also be willing to ask for and receive help and care from others.  

LOL (lotsoflove),

-G 

EMILY

TW: suicide, self-harm.

I used to think that mental health and the discussions surrounding it just weren’t directed at me. I don’t have a diagnosis. I don’t require medication. There is nothing “wrong” with me. I don’t need any help. I’m clear-headed and smart and I have perfect mental health as a result, right? Yeesh. I’m going to share a bit about me to show just how off the mark I was.

All my life I have wanted to be a strong person - strong of body, strong of mind, strong of character. I have prided myself in my ability to be adaptable and compatible, thinking that if I just work hard enough, I can achieve anything. While this mindset can be a positive motivator, I have also witnessed how pushing myself too hard can cause the pendulum to swing the other way, and when it swings, it swings hard. It took hitting rock bottom for me to realize that I had just been pushing myself to dig a hole.

I used to look at my emotions as battles I had to fight in order to appear strong and in control. Anything outside of the realm of appearing happy was to be shot on sight. I created an unbelievably convincing mask that I could put on any time I waged my little wars, and I could convince anyone that everything in my life was fine. I mean literally anyone - including myself. I didn’t even notice when my mental health started to slip. It felt like I was just in a bit of a rut, and the reason was because I wasn’t working hard enough. Any uncomfortable situation I was in was my fault for not pushing myself. Any unwanted emotion was there because I didn’t try hard enough. 

After many years of convincing myself of this, my thoughts started to take a serious turn. My inability to be happy and fulfilled by life made me feel empty. I simply wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t do enough. I would never be enough. Why can’t I just be better? Just be BETTER. FEEL better. I wholly believed I was a complete failure, that I was nothing. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I started daydreaming about suicide like a crush.  

Now, you must understand, all of these thoughts were deeply concealed. If you looked at my life from the outside, it certainly seemed like everything was grand. My career was successful, I had just started a new band with some pals (surprise, t’was Bad Buddy), I had great relationships, and a wonderful family - what’s not to love? I would look at my life through this outside perspective and feel such profound shame. Shame for being ungrateful. Shame for being weak. Shame for simply not being okay. I felt so strongly that I couldn’t tell anybody about how I was feeling. I was so sure anyone who found out about my mental state would then see me as I saw myself - unworthy of life. I was absolutely certain that opening up would not only make whoever I told furious at me, but would only result in them reminding me of what I already knew - everything I was experiencing was entirely my own fault and it was because I wasn’t putting enough effort in. I only had myself to blame, and so only I could fix it.

It wasn’t until I was about to physically harm myself that something switched inside of me. I remember staring at an open can of tuna on the counter and thinking about how if I cut myself really badly, I could go to the hospital and I wouldn’t have to be where I was anymore. In that moment, I snapped. I had found the rock bottom of the seemingly endless hole I had been digging. It was as though I woke up in my own body after being in a six-year trance, and in that moment, I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make, and I reached out for help. 

I started really small. I would tell people a little bit about how I was feeling and then would brace for impact, but no one lashed out at me, no one scolded me, and no one blamed me. People started to reach out to me, as well. The people who I had been the most afraid to talk to, my family and friends, held me up. The depth of the support I received was staggering, and I will never be able to fully express the gratitude I have for the compassion I was shown or the care I was given. My eyes were opened to this vast and beautiful support system I was previously blind to. I had spent so much time alone at the bottom of a hole, I couldn’t believe I never thought to call out and see if anybody had a rope. 

All my life I have wanted to be a strong person without thinking about how there is the greatest strength in numbers. I often think of the analogy of a choir: a choir is able to hold a note impossibly long, because when one person needs to breathe, the rest of the group can hold the note while they rest. My choir was my family, and my friends, and a healthy dose of therapy.  

Mental health affects absolutely everybody. There is obviously a lot that we don’t know about how the mind works, and therefore we’re all just scratching the surface of how to properly care for this most precious and mysterious organ. I DO know that removing the stigmas surrounding mental health treatments, providing resources for people who are struggling with their mental health, and ensuring that equal care is given to people of all races, genders, and sexual orientations is a really good place to start. Not everyone is as lucky as I am to have such a strong safety net, and I hope that we as a community can work to help those who need it most.

I’m working every day to go easier on myself. I’m trying to care for my body and my brain, for one can not succeed without the other. I’m trying to be gentle. I am so happy to be alive, even living in the absolute shite version of reality we’re all suffering through. Let’s work to be kind to one another. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Carry the note when you can, but take a breath when you need to. 

I miss you all, and I’d really like to see us all come out of this on the other side. Now, I’m going to give myself a sweet mental health break and take the rest of the night off. 

Love you, Boos.

Sincerely,

- emily.

Below are links to mental health resources:

Alberta Mental Health Helpline

Alberta Mental Health Helpline

1-877-303-2642 (Toll free)

Canada Suicide Prevention Services

Crisis Services Canada

Crisis helpline: 1-833-456-4566  

Centre for ADHD Awareness

Centre for ADHD Awareness Canada

1-416-637-8584

Two Steps Forward

Holy shit.

Wha..? What day is it? What time is it? What black hole did we fall into and what took us so long to get out? 

We tried our best to stay relevant in the algorithmic eyes of social media, but we needed to take a step back for a hot minute and collect ourselves. But we’re back! And, if you’ve been wondering where we’ve been, allow me to catch y’all up. 

2020 wasn’t exactly kind to us. Yes, we released our album, and of course we’re still super proud of that, and yes, we started to work on a bunch of new things we’re excited to share with the world (more on that later), but we ran into a pretty rough patch and it took the wind out of our sails for a bit. In the interest of ending this post on a high note, I’m going to dig into the bad news first. 

Nothing hits quite so hard as having to navigate a line-up change in the middle of a pandemic. Unfortunately, last year Alex made the decision to quit the band. On a sunny afternoon last September, she sat us all down and explained that she needed to focus 100% of her energy on her solo project, and, as a result, could no longer commit to Bad Buddy. Obviously, we understand and support her decision, but it was a hard blow that tested our resilience. We were already grieving for the album release party we never got to have, grieving for the tour that was cancelled, grieving for all the good times, and good music, and all night hangs.  Losing our cherished bandmate made all of that pale in comparison. We wish her all the best, we know she’ll be successful (she already is). Most importantly, we wish her happiness and fulfillment wherever life takes her.  

The notion of announcing Alex’s departure left us feeling really vulnerable. We didn’t want our fans and supporters to lose faith in us or in the music. We thought if we could just find a new bass player and enact some seamless transition it would assuage any fears people might have about the future of Bad Buddy. It just was never going to be that easy. Alex is undeniably talented and she leaves behind big shoes to fill. Finding a replacement is made especially difficult due to covid restrictions. We can’t just go to shows to scout new bass players, we can’t even take new promo shots if we find one, and as much as the caliber of the music is extremely important to us the camaraderie is imperative. We want to find someone who is not only a killer musician, but also a killer hang. We never want to take ourselves so seriously that we forget what music is all about. It’s an outlet, it's a means of connection, and it should be a really really good time. We want to take the time to find the right person who shares that mindset.

So, after a month of brainstorming potential candidates, and trying to save-face on social media, we all felt exhausted. We kept up our posting in an attempt to appease the algorithm, connect with our fans, keep up the momentum we had built from the album, but it all felt like a load of bullshit. 

Ok, I’m sorry, but I have to fully derail my train of thought here to address social media - we fucking hate it. Like - we really really hate it. It is the worst part of the music business and, unfortunately, a necessary evil. Grant applications, festival applications, award applications all look to likes and streams for proof that bands are worth investing in. PLUS, most posts fail to reach a broader audience with any consistency unless an artist agrees to pay to fucking play. It doesn’t help that we’re uninterested in it. I am only mentioning this because we took a couple months off posting every damned day about absolutely fuck all because it felt fake and we aren’t interested in being like that.  However, we really have to get back in and play the stupid game. 

We just want you guys to know that the one thing social media is good for, and something we really DO care about is connecting with you! We want to have conversations in the comments and we are thrilled by DMs. We love seeing pictures of you rocking our merch, or covering our music, or taking the record for a spin. It fuels our fire, baby. We don’t have a team working for us, it’s just lil ol’ Andi and Geoff and I trying to keep up with the times and trying to look professional. So we’re going to try to post more consistently, but it’s not because we’ve crawled so far up our own asses that we think you guys are just DYING for another photo of us, we just gotta commit to the bit, and any online love you show us is appreciated immensely. 

ANYHOW, where was I? Oh yes, I was writing of what is to come.

Through many long chats between Andi and Geoff and I, the fog of our uncertain future started to clear. The one thing we all know for sure is that we each have a deep love for this band. We believe in the music we make, and we believe in each other, and we won’t be held back. We’re digging in our heels and getting back to work. Someone’s gotta push this rock up the hill.

Now, time for some good news - we’ve been busy! 

Just before social bubbles were outlawed for the second time we managed to do some really incredible things together. Firstly - we shot a totally amazing (if we do say so ourselves) music video for Fine Hunniez. Enlisting the help of the always wonderful Sam Brooks, we somehow shot the entire thing in one (long) day. It’s got choreography, it’s got colour, we covered ourselves in honey, we lit shit on fire, and we are so, SO excited to show you. 

We’re also working on recording new music. When literally every member of your band lives in a recording studio, it just makes sense to crank out the tunes. We have a bunch of new songs that we are workshopping and everybody is gonna get a taste this summer. I just invested a bunch of dough into updating my studio and I’m excited to put it all to work. We also got in touch with a wicked bass player who has agreed to lay down some tracks for us. I’ll leave her anonymous for the time being, but I can assure you that she tears it up. We’re super pumped to see what she brings to the table. 

To wrap this up, we’d just like to say thanks to all of you. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for sticking by us. Sometimes it feels like every time we take two steps forward, we take one step back, but we’re still just getting started. We’re gonna work our asses off to get some new music out and gonna keep fighting the good fight. Your support means everything to us, and we hope to be able to give back some of that love with our art. We know we have so much more to give - we’ve barely scratched the surface of what we’re capable of. 

We’re not going anywhere.
So stay tuned.

Love you, boos.

-emily & BB.

A wrap photo from the “Fine Hunniez” video shoot.

#whocares

Dear Diary,  uhh… wassup? HOW ARE YOU? I don’t really remember how to socialize anymore, my bad. Quarantine ruined me. I hope that you are feeling good, and being kind to yourself and others. I gotta say, the change in the weather has really affected my mood. I’m sure a lot of us are feeling this way as the days grow shorter, colder and COVID has yet to fuck off. Not to mention all the other realizations and struggles and hurt and bullshit the world is going through right now. Things are truly feeling fucked. But, I am trying to focus on the good things, the bright spots that make me get out of bed on days when I want to cover my head with the covers and forget that there is a world outside my bedroom. After all, I have a boat load to be thankful for. 

So here are some good things! I have a job and work with some really lovely people. Seriously, they are all gems. Blessings. Since playing live music is still at a stand-still and there are no real answers as to when things will return to ‘normal’, I’ve started full time bartending and serving again. I haven’t done this in a few years; music was about a ⅓ of my income before the pandemic started. I had forgotten how much you gotta hustle.  Let me just say, fucking kudos to everyone working in the hospitality industry right now!! (I know other people are working their asses off right now but let the restaurant peeps have their moment.) Y'all are killing it. Thank you for helping people feel like nothing has changed, even for an hour or so, all while navigating how to safely go to work.  Which leads me to say, can everyone please, for the love of burgers, wear a goddamn mask on your face holes? It ain’t that hard. Have we compared people covering their mouth but not their nose to the pull out method yet? If you don’t already know, 1 in 5 people who use this method become pregnant. YA WELCOME. Science RULES. 

What did I even come here to say?  Oh, dear Diary? Ah yes, ‘the good stuff’.  Therapy!  I started therapy on September 29th and I have only had one session so far. But I gotta say, it feels good to start putting in work and effort and care into myself and my mental health. I’m gonna get basic for a second cause #whocares, but I have a Cancer Mars (yeah I went there) and everything, I mean everything makes me cry. Happy, sad, excited, angry, hungry, bleeding, frustrated - you name an emotion and I will cry about it. Talking to a professional about my past experiences that led me to struggle as an adult was, unsurprisingly, pretty emotional, and I spent the week following the appointment crying just about everyday, and feeling very drained. I feel like I’m not convincing anyone that therapy is a good thing with this but I swear it is! I would not lie to you, dear Diary. And it sounds almost silly that it took a professional telling me this, but she told me to focus on feeling my feelings. To get out of my head and feel things not just emotionally but physically. It was a damn whirlwind of emotions and memories and weird dreams but now things have evened out and I feel hopeful. Bottom line is, therapy = good! 

If you are still reading this rambling strain of consciousness, wow. We are now kindred spirits and when we die I want to be buried with you. 

More good stuff! I have two cats, Guy and Waylon. They are good boys when they are not meowing at 6am, knocking shit off tables or just being general assholes. Waylon is an anxious sweet weirdo who meows as if our house is haunted and he is trying to scare a ghost around 4 am everyday. And Guy is so dumb that it’s cute. Seriously, you look at him and you just know “that cat is so cute he is probably a goddamn idiot.” And you would be right. He is the dumbest. 

Even more good stuff! I did Sober October! And made it 9 days. HAHAHA.  Sometimes you just don’t complete a goal but you know what? That is okay. Try again tomorrow. You are only a human, not a super cyborg fembot with boob blasters and a pink mini skirt so cut yourself a break. As long as we are trying to be good to ourselves and each other, what more can you ask for? I also ran 3 days a week for 3 weeks during Isolation so I am the picture of health. If I had a fit bit it would say “damn that is one fit bit(ch)”.

Oh dearest Diary, I really wish with all my heart that we could all get together at a show and stand so close together that you can smell what the dude next to you ate yesterday. JK I have never wanted that. No one has. But I would take plus 30 degrees, sitting on those hot, sticky vinyl seats in a van with no A/C tearing down the flat boring ass highway somewhere between Saskatoon and Winnipeg to play a show to 15 people, where the sound tech* shows up 2 hours late, so stoned that they don’t realize the mains aren’t even on. Ah - da dream. 

Well, I have no idea what the purpose behind this post was but I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. I hope it gave you a chuckle or two, took your mind off things for a moment or at the very least made you scratch your head and say wtf did I just read? Or hey, maybe it made you consider therapy or adopting a cat. ~shrug emoji~

*At the exact moment I wrote that sentence, Waylon jumped up on a shelf and knocked over 2 pictures, an owl ornament and a whiskey decanter. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. 

Anyway,

XOXO Gossip Girl
(Andi)

Simultaneously

Hello fellow citizens of Hellworld,

I’ve been struggling with an inability to express myself. It’s been wave after wave of depression, exhilaration, outrage, joy, fear, anxiety, happiness, hope - back and fourth and up and down without stopping. I can’t focus. I’m fatigued. 

I had a conversation with Geoff this afternoon after he walked into the room to find me face down on my keyboard. I explained that I have been trying to put my thoughts into words for nearly two months and that I’m finding it impossible to address all of the issues that I feel need addressing. Weeks and weeks of failed attempts had only resulted in a long, point-form list of things I hate. He asked me,  “well forget what you think you need to say, what do you want to say?” 

I said that I really just wanted to let everyone know that Bad Buddy has a single coming out tomorrow and how excited I am about it, but it is accompanied by an overwhelming heaviness, and feels selfish and wrong to do so amidst the collective hardships of humanity. Who gives a single fuck about our album, considering the state of the world? 

This has been my mental state: Every time I have felt a little spark of excitement, the anger and depression that lives in the pit of my stomach reminds me that that there are people dying in the streets for basic human rights, the beautiful province I love is being destroyed by a racist, woman-hating, walking dumpster-fire, who thinks oil is more precious than water, the constitution is being amended to secure systemic racism, there is still (don’t forget) a global pandemic killing thousands, dissolving many careers, including my own, and decimating the livelihoods of people I care about. There is nothing to be happy about while people continue to suffer. Don’t forget the suffering. Don’t forget to suffer. SUFFER. It is then that Geoff reminded me that I’ve actually already written about this feeling.

“So you saying you’re feeling great and awful, simultaneously.” Hah! Fuck, Geoff. Yeah, that’s pretty much hitting the nail on the head.

For those of you reading who don’t know, and would like to join in my “epiphany,”  the new Bad Buddy single, the song I have been so excited to share, while simultaneously feeling horrible for being excited about anything while the world is on fire is about that exact feeling. It’s literally titled “Simultaneously,” for fucks sake. So, after drinking a lil sip of my own Kool-Aid, I think I can finally write something out clearly.

I don’t want to diminish the joy I feel about this record. It would be purely performative, as I am absolutely thrilled to release another single into the world, and into the loving arms and ears of our community. I have loved getting to listen to the album as a whole, taking in the entirety of the arrangements that I’ve never properly heard before, as playing the live music demands I focus on my own performance. I’m so impressed and completely blown away by the musicianship of my bandmates and their attention to detail. I’ve gotten to see the whole picture from a distance for the first time, and I’m not ashamed to say I friggin looooooove it! It is my proudest accomplishment, and I am so happy with how it has turned out.

I believe it is incredibly important to feel happiness whenever possible, and to revel in it. Perhaps now, more than ever. I savour every moment with friends, I relish the sound of laughter, I tell my parents I love them as often as I can. I hold my partner close and feel safe and secure. I eat good food and drink good drinks and walk good walks and talk good talks. I make music and share stories and try to catch glimpses of blue jays in the yard because I love it. I love life. And I know, I KNOW, that my inherent privilege has given me the access to this kind of ease.

I will continue to cherish and hold on tight to all that I love, because it fuels my fire. It gives me energy to continue to strive to uphold justice and fairness. Keeping the things that make life worth living in my heart and in my mind make it easier to focus on, and not stray from, the long-term goal where all people are able to experience happiness and live life to the fullest. 

So yes, I am happy, but worse-off than I’ve been. These days, it is a constant and powerful feeling of duality, but I think that it is important to remember that it’s alright to feel happy in the midst of hardship. One does not diminish the other, they can occur simultaneously. Here’s hoping that our music can lift you up for even a moment, and I hope you will choose to share your joys and accomplishments with us.

Much love to you all, except you, Jason Kenney, you absolute piece of shit.
Take care of yourselves so you can take care of each other.

Xo - e.

PS: EDUCATE YOURSELF AND VOTE.
PPS: Here’s a link to pre-save the song, if you’re curious.

A Long And Winding Road

I’d like to start off by warning you about how fucking long this post is, that way if you’re not in the mood for a long read then you can just go ahead and read the last paragraph. The last paragraph is really what’s important. But, if you’ve got a bit of time to spare, and you don’t mind spending it with me, then BUCKLE UP. I’m taking you on a journey.

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First thing this morning, as I was brushing my teeth, I heard Geoff yell up the stairs that there was a “special delivery.” Naturally, my interest was piqued, and I rushed downstairs to find that our CDs had just been delivered. I excitedly pulled one out of the box, and, for the first time in my career, I was able to physically hold something in my hands that I had created. I know that I have been lucky enough to be a part of bringing many albums to life - singing here, playing there, engineering this, producing that - but comparing this album to every other album in my career is the difference between buying apples at the store and growing the tree. For the first time it really feels like I created something and I finally get to hold it my own two paws, and it feels real.

Now, I really used to think that I knew everything there was to know about getting an album written, recorded, and released, but the process of releasing this album has been eye-opening. I have never actually been a part of a project for every step along the way. With Bad Buddy, I was there on day one and this band has given me the opportunity to experience everything. What a thrill to be able to decide what to name a band, and who should be involved, and what instruments we should play, and what message we want to send and oh GOD what are we going to wear? I am lucky enough to have been able to answer all these questions with the help of the best bandmates a gal could hope for. It has been the greatest joy of my life.

When I put the CD in the player for a heavy dose of self-gratification - I mean a quality check, I was reminded of a question that someone asked us during a live-stream we did a couple weeks ago. The question was something along the lines of “you guys have been a band for some time now, what is up with the lack of music?” This person was, of course, referring to the fact that we released one little babby EP in 2017 and released absolutely nothing since. Ugh. How embarrassing. Not that the question was asked (because it’s a great question), but because it I know appears as though we have done absolutely nothing in THREE YEARS, just expecting fans of the band to keep coming out to shows on the off-chance that one day we might actually fucking DO SOMETHING and there might eventually be an album for sale at the merch booth. So, what’s the deal? Why haven’t we done anything? What could possibly have taken us THIS long? Why didn’t we get this done SOONER?! ANSWER ME!

The honest truth is that it doesn’t feel as though we have stopped working on Bad Buddy for even a moment during the years it has taken us to get this album out. It’s just been a long and winding road.

We giggled a lot when we first started, it was Alex Vissia, Andi Vissia, Jamie McLean and I. Thanks to our combined years of experience in the music industry, it felt like we were cheating. We already knew how to book shows, we already knew how to promote ourselves, we already knew to value our art - everything happened so efficiently! But, turns out you can’t cheat writing fRiGgIn HiTz, BAYBEE - so, when we found out we were booked for Sled Island within months of the bands inception, it was really validating. We really felt like we were onto something special and we pushed ourselves to be better. We recorded an entire album within the first year so we would have something to sell at Sled. That is when our little Double Lunch EP, The Sneaky Peaky came to life. We recorded it at my home studio, BitterNorth. It was supposed to be (surprise, surprise) a sneak peak of the album to come, but pretty much immediately after Sled, we found ourselves on the hunt for a drummer. Also, summer had arrived and everyone sank into the sea of busy, swept away to go on our separate tours in our million different projects. Finding a new drummer would have to wait.

Few people know this, but we actually held auditions for drummers that fall. Holly Greaves of Wares was the one who got the job. We were pumped to start booking shows again, and to hit the streets with our new line-up, when the Wares tour that Holly was on got extended. Suddenly we found ourselves with gigs looming and no drummer and feeling str8 fukt. That's when I remembered that super fan (haha) and drummer extraordinaire, Geoffrey O’Brien had once said, “If you guys ever need someone to fill in on drums, please let me know!” So we rang him up, asking if he was serious. He said that he “would be honoured” to play with us. After one gig playing with Geoff we all fell in love. After two, the band proposed, and Geoff became the newest Bad Bud. (For the record, Holly was cool with it and absolutely slays.)

Playing with Geoff elevated our sound to a whole new level. The ideas he brought to the table paired with his outstanding musicality were so wonderful, it literally made us laugh out loud. (Quick aside - When Geoff first started rehearsing with us, we accidentally made him feel properly insecure with our laughter. He would say “I promise I’ll practice more, it’ll be better!” and we had to explain that we weren’t laughing at him. We were just so genuinely tickled by how good it was to play with him.) Alex, Andi and I had also gotten dramatically better at our own instruments, and we had a mitt-full of new songs. It became immediately apparent that we needed to re-record the entire album. Now, anyone who has had to schedule a meeting with another adult human can attest to the fact that it is a challenge. Grown-ass people got shit ta do. Trying to find an entire week where four people hustling the equivalent of four full-time jobs can magically take time off of work and spend all day every day together is a waking nightmare. It’s certainly not an “alright so we’re good for tomorrow?” type situation. Anyhow, we eventually figured it out. The bulk of the record was, once again, recorded at BitterNorth in February of 2018, and as soon as we had it all tracked, I would mix it, we’d get a quick master, and boom - album release. Easy Peasy. (right..?)

We tried to do as much of it as honestly as possible, and by that I mean that even backups and guitarmony overdubs were sung and played in the same room, live-off-the-floor, trying to capture as much of our live energy as we could. Of course that meant we had to book the recording time around work and life and the somewhere between 3 and 6 bands each of us are in. It was no surprise to look out the window and discover that once again, summer had arrived and the busy was back. We were lucky to find 4 days in a row where we weren’t travelling for something. It was the best, we were getting better, getting to play to more and bigger audiences, and tightening up our live show. We even had film-maker, Michael B. MacDonald, follow us around for a while shooting a documentary (which turned out really great and you will all get to see soon, I promise). The only bad thing about being out on the road was that I couldn’t be at home and mixing at the same time. None of us were concerned however, because we knew the busy season would end and I would have all of the long, cold winter to hole-up and get the job done before we went out on our first tour next July. We were incorrect.

Now - If you have never booked a tour before, the booking starts so much earlier than you might think. I started working out our tour details in October of 2018 and I booked our last gig in fucking JULY, TWO DAYS before were were supposed to show up and play. Our biggest hurdle was the fact that it was BBs first foray outside of Alberta, so no one knew who we were, or if we were any good. Sooooo many people and places just didn’t respond. Months were spent glued to our inbox, making a hundred cold-calls, sending a million emails, pleading with venues for a decent paycheque (or at least a free meal), making sure we weren’t going to sleep on the streets, and digging up bands who could boost the bill. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I think I wrote about 50 bands in just Saskatoon and Winnipeg alone. Once the tour was in place our thoughts turned to, “ok yeah cool tour, but how are we supposed to get there?” Ah. Right. We don’t have a vehicle big enough for all of our gear and we’re not going to take two cars, that’s insane. I know, we should just rent a van! Wait, a van rental is HOW fucking much?! OH, lovely, no no that’s great, I guess we’ll just ROB A FUCKING BANK. FUCK.

The months were spent struggling to juggle tour planning with my job as a freelance sound engineer, getting jobs that would actually pay me so I could make rent (and maybe eat a lil’ sumpeen), and trying desperately to find the time to mix. It was, as you can imagine… not going well. Aside from the shortage of time, I was surprised at the extreme difficulty I was having with the album. I just couldn’t get it to sound good. I think I was really thrown by working with the sound of my own voice, it just never seemed to sit right and felt as though it threw the whole balance off. No matter what I tried, every song wound up sounding very amateur and lack-lustre. I would get halfway through the album and scrap everything because I hated it so much. It was obvious that the band was bummed. Each time I sat down to mix I doubted my own ability more and more. Is this really what I should be doing as a career? What the fuck am I doing with my life? It was very depressing. The next thing I knew, I took a look at the calendar and - yeah, you guessed it - hellooooooo summer.

Tour was suddenly a week away and I was nowhere near to having the album finished. The band knew we needed something to sell if we were going to make it through. So, we hustled our little buns off and hand silk-screened 150 shirts, hand-knotted who knows how many friendship bracelets, packed up, and hit the road. To our great pleasure, tour was dreamy. And sweaty. We got to see how well we would get along when locked in an oven on wheels for five weeks. Turns out we’re a bunch of peas in a podlet. It was on this tour that we realized if we wanted this album to come out some time this decade, we would have to outsource the mix. I was ashamed by my defeat, but relieved to press on. We started to hunt.

The next few months were spent sourcing mixing engineers, and we ultimately settled on four. We sent the same raw tracks to each of the engineers so they could produce a test mix for us. Our main direction was “don’t be afraid to take chances,” and, in time, they each sent back their own renditions of Hunters. One mix, the one from Vancouver’s Thierry Diab, stood a head and shoulders above the rest. We couldn’t believe our ears. It was amazing! You must understand, no one has felt the weight of the years it has taken to produce this album more than the four people in this band. It had become very difficult to get excited about any of the songs, the whole thing felt so tired. But, hearing Thierry’s mix quickly turned us around, and there we were, literally jumping up and down in Andi’s living room, a fire re-ignited in our hearts.

With the weight lifted, it gave us a chance to start chipping away at the unbelievable mountain of shit we still had to figure out: Where do we get it printed? Are we doing vinyl or cd? Who are we going to get to master it? What is our timeline? How do you build a website? Honestly, how does any anybody pay for anything?? Asking my dad for financial advice, getting a band bank account, getting a band credit card, asking my dad for more financial advice, getting a line of credit, designing the album art, figuring out what order the songs should be in, designing new merch, yes we can use those templates instead, no I don’t know the run time of each song, creating an operational online store, organizing a pre-order campaign, starting a mailing list, forgetting the password to every account we’ve ever made, where the fuck do I get an ISRC code and how do I use it, upload upload, download download, submit, submit, submit. Every email started with “I’m so sorry, I swear that THIS is the last question I have, and I mean it this time,” and every time, it was a lie. I honestly have so much gratitude for Kelly at Pressing Media and Philip Shaw Bova for their deep wells of patience in dealing with me. I have no idea what I am doing.

That brings us to March, 2020. COVID-19. Devastation. I was devastated by the state of the world, I was devastated by losing my job, I was devastated to lose cherished time with friends and family, and, on a most selfish level, I was devastated that we had to cancel the album release and summer tour we had been working so hard for. But there will be a place for that again. I remind myself to be grateful for the time. Suddenly there is a bottomless pit of the thing I used to have in such short supply. I’m actually blown away that we were doing all of this on top of living the rest of our lives. I’ll never really be able to explain how dangerously close to complete burn out I had come. Now I get to work on Bad Buddy like it’s a full time job, which, it really is. Actually, it’s multiple full time jobs and all of them pay zero dollars. We are our own publicists, agents, artists, designers, social media moderators, content creators, managers etc. Every day I learn something new, and I’m still asking a million questions to anyone who will listen, (I call Alex like 5 times a day because she’s done this all three times over with her solo project, VISSIA). I will say, it really hits home why artists have to build entire teams around them to do this shit with any longevity, liiiiike, I don’t know for sure but I thiiiink I’d like to play my guitar again one day, and this is pretty all-consuming.

I can’t believe it, but I really used to think I knew what it took to get an album written, recorded, and released. Flash forward to when I spent a large portion of today trying to figure out if Bad Buddy’s fucking Spotify For Artists is fucking verified so I can then ask someone else about how to edit our fucking profile so we can beg to get on a stranger’s fucking playlist so someone can leisurely mail us a fucking fraction of a fucking penny. I spent the morning writing my first press-release. I spent the afternoon on the phone with Andi asking how the radio works. I spent the evening openly weeping over my first ever blog post, because I had just learned yet another lesson - Squarespace doesn’t auto-save your posts, so when your computer glitches whilst you’re pouring your heart out into the last sentence of a massive fucking blog post and you lose everything, it’s gone forever. Oh, Yes. Regretfully, this is the second time I have had to write out this epic, and if it seems like a long story, well, that’s just because it is a long story. If you are thinking to yourself, “Why would you even bother to do this twice?” I did it for one reason.

This morning, when I held that CD in my hands, I remembered what it took to bring this seemingly simple thing to life. It was a powerful moment for me to think that after all this time, when it appeared as though we didn’t do anything for years, and Bad Buddy could have fizzled out, or faded away, we didn’t. We’re still here! And it’s all because there are people out there - still out there - who have stayed with us, and supported us, and have patiently waited for us to find our way. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the support that you have given us to get here, and I felt I had to write and say thanks. So, thank you. Thank you so fucking much. Thank you for coming to shows, for hugs, for smiles, thank you for learning the words to our songs, or even just pretending you do, and for being unafraid to come right up to the front, and for dancing. Thanks for supporting us with your time, and your presence, and putting gas in our tank, and food on our plates and giving us places to sleep. Thanks for buying our merch, and wearing our merch and for coming and saying hello, or getting sloppy with us on triples and bourbon and beer. Thank you for emails, and tagging us in Instagram posts, and likes, and shares. Thank you for everything. I can’t believe that you have stuck it out with us for this long. I hope that this album feels like it gives back, and you get as much love out of it as we get from you. Maybe you’ll even want to stick around a little longer (we’d like that). We could not have done this with out you. I miss you all dearly, and I can’t wait until we can get all sweaty in a dark room with one another once again. Until then, keep being kind to one another, and thanks again. Your support has not gone unnoticed.

Yours, truly,

-emily.

PS: Blessed be the artists. I have a newfound respect for anyone who tries to make a go of it in this fucked up industry. I had no idea what it took to get even this far, and it feels as though we’ve just begun. You all make the grind look easy and this hellworld livable. Love you, boos.