Umbra
I’m sitting here in my office, my dog is asleep on the couch behind me, the fridge and furnace are taking turns humming into the silence, I have nowhere to be, and yet my heart is racing as I sit down to attempt what feels to be a nausea-inducing trial of self expression. I have been (all too slowly, I fear) processing a complex mixture of thoughts and emotions for many months, and I believe the time has come to try to share some of them with you, and also to give a long overdue update as to what Bad Buddy has been up to. I don’t properly know where to begin, so just… don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one.
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“What is your definition of success?”
That is the question Shari asked Geoff, Andi and myself the day we auditioned/interviewed her for the band and it’s been rattling around in my head ever since. It’s such a simple question but I find the answer difficult to convey. I could proudly list the things we have created or achieved since we started this project, and while I am very excited to share some of our recent endeavors, a list of our accomplishments is not my definition of success.
I don’t know why, but before I can express my thoughts on the matter, (before I can do just about anything, really), I’m feeling compelled to explain where I’m at. I think I just need to shatter the hollow connections created by the internet every now and then and try to share in some reality. In order to accurately articulate my current perspective you’ll have to have an understanding of the past. At the risk of turning this blog post into an absolute novel, I’d like to begin by introducing how Shari came to join the band.
July of last year was a mental destination I’d been holding onto for dear life. Geoff got booked to play a real live show up at the North Country Fair campground. The bill was packed full of dear friends whose songs I hadn’t heard in far too long. Friendly faces gathered on nostalgic grounds - nourishment for the soul. I hadn’t seen a band, fully amplified, on the same stage, with an audience, in what felt like an eternity (keeping in mind that my entire life revolved around live shows, eight-days-a-week, for over a decade - it goes without saying I was missing it pretty bad). Getting to once again experience the sound of fully wired-up bands pumping through speakers was an emotional overload; when the music started there was not a dry eye in the house.
We had arrived a day or so prior, and spent every hour we could soaking up social interaction with friends, some of whom I hadn’t seen in years. One of those people was Shari Rae. I’ve crossed paths with Shari many times over the years, originally meeting her as the upright player and backup singer for Miss Quincy and then later seeing her in the same role with Scott Cook. We’d never spent all that much time together, but this camping trip saw to change that. I don’t know whether it was the fact that our campsite had the highly coveted (and therefore very popular) screen tent, or that we had happened to set up in a central location, but I found myself spending most of each day in conversations with Shari.
If you haven’t met her, I would say describing Shari as “intimidating” is not just an understatement, but missing the mark. She carries herself with a quiet power that can be felt from a distance. It’s the kind of power that comes from lived experience, from being an observer, a listener, and speaking with intent. Thoughtful and decisive, Shari strikes a balance between open and guarded. She is incredibly strong willed, delightfully tenderhearted, and an overall magnetic person to be around. I’d say she’s a woman who has put up with enough shit to not put up with it, anymore. I suppose meeting someone who can see through any attempt at subterfuge would feel intimidating to those hanging a veil. To be clear, Shari is not harsh, judgemental, nor does she ask to be impressed. She just has good taste in people and has chosen to surround herself with the real ones - a skill that takes time to cultivate. I only include this description of Shari so that whomever may be reading this might understand how much I was enjoying getting to know her, how happy I was when the day of the show came and she chose to join me at my spot in the grass, and why the conversation that followed threw me for such a loop.
“Man, I really want to play electric bass in a band again.”
Shari said those words and I think I may have stopped breathing. A million thoughts flooded my head: “Whhhhhatt the fuuuuccckkk? Really? Wait - what? Does Shari know that Bad Buddy is actively seeking a bass player/singer? Woah, chill, DON’T get your hopes up, there is no way. Plus, she lives in Calgary, how could we make that work? Ugh. Stop. Just worry in order here. We’re just talking. But what if she does want to be in the band… wait - is this some sort of weird passive way of getting our attention because I’m really not into that sort of communication. Hah! Oh come on. That’s got to be completely out of character. I mean I don’t know her very well, but there’s no way she is trying to manipulate a band application here, especially with zero subtly. Okokokokok shh stop stop stop just be present, you’re having a conversation, oh, for the love of fu– just SAY SOMETHING.
“Oh yeah?”
OoooOOhhh wow. Real nice. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, BRAIN.
Shari went on to say that she’d played electric a bunch in the past and was missing it after spending so long on the upright. She also mentioned that she had recently been approached to join a band but turned them down. At this, my heart sank a bit, as Bad Buddy is often compared to the band she spoke of, however, I believe the comparison is more-so because of the quantity of females in the band and not the quality of the music (quality as in style, not quality as in standard). Our conversation continued and revealed that Shari wasn’t exactly seeking out a project, but if something came up with the right vibe, she might be inclined to be a part of it. There was a long period of silence.
Well, at least it felt like a long period, and “silence” might be a bit of an exaggeration as there was a band blasting thirty feet away from us and my mind was running haywire again. Either way, I composed my thoughts, took a breath, and told Shari that, as coincidence would have it, Bad Buddy was actually in search of a new bass player. I told her not to feel pressured to provide a response right then, and I would obviously have to speak to Andi and Geoff, but maybe she could take some time and listen to the tracks. If she was interested she could reach out, but no hard feelings either way. Two weeks later we got the email: “If it is still on the table, I would love love love to play with Bad Buddy.”
With Shari living in a different city from the rest of the band there were some logistics that needed to be sorted, and we wanted to audition/interview each other to see if it was going to be a good fit. We set up a date in September to jam some tunes and feel out the band dynamic. My good pal, Keith Rodger, graciously let us take over his house for the afternoon (thank you) and we played through a handful of songs that Shari had prepared. The band immediately felt tight. Geoff and Shari clicked effortlessly, and Shari quickly picked up on the harmonies. We would finish a song and laugh, you’d have thought we’d been rehearsing together for years. Afterwards, we settled in around a table on the porch for the interview. It was after quite some time of Andi, Geoff and I cross-examining Shari, sharing our philosophies and expectations, that Shari proposed the question to us:
“What is your definition of success?”
What an excellent question. Upon asking, it served not only the function of eliciting information, but simultaneously offered an insight into what Shari values while testing the cohesiveness of Bad Buddy’s collective vision.
Over a year of pondering later, I’ve come to think that success is something that can not be measured. It’s not really even a thing. I view it more as an elusive, internal feeling experienced when achieving a dream or goal, and while it might be validating, I’m not sure success can be awarded to someone or something by an external source. I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer, but goal setting has never been my forte. It’s only in the time I’ve spent with Bad Buddy that I’ve found a sense of direction. This time has taught me that when I can clearly focus on what I want, whatever it is, I will succeed. That may sound asinine, but I have a sneaking suspicion that life might be so simple. It’s uncovering what I actually want that proves challenging.
Last October Geoff and I went camping for the entire month. It was the greatest experience of my life. When you’re in the middle of nowhere with no service for so long, it really affords you the time to think (I can’t recommend it enough). I had many beautiful and terrifying revelations out there on the land, and I got a glimpse of what my underlying goal in life is; a common thread that connects every decision I make. Again, it’s elusive, hard to put into words. It came to me in two parts:
1: I want what other people want. Not in the way where I bend over backwards or change myself to suit the needs of someone else, but in the way of helping facilitate whatever dreams a person might have. It brings me great joy and satisfaction and comes in all shapes and sizes. If someone wants to go to lunch, I want to be their lunch date, if someone wants to have a fire, I’ll bring the wood, if someone wants to share their music, I want to make it sound like it does in their head. Succinctly put, I want to assist in guiding abstract concepts into reality, and no concept is too small. In this way I have gotten to witness how all humans are creative in nature. We’re creating and manipulating reality all the time. I think that’s why there’s so many amazing things that come from collaboration. How incredible is it that a group of individuals can share a mental picture so clearly that they can create something out of thin air? I know this probably sounds like fluffy supernatural bullshit and understand if you feel the need to let out an eye roll right about now. I’m just saying - the pizza you order would never exist if you didn’t want it enough to will it into reality.
2: I know that my personal goal in life can’t just be “I’ll have what they’re having,” and I assure you that it’s not. This deeper desire applies only to me, so it’s tough to pinpoint (I find it easier to tap into when I have someone to share it with). It is not concrete, but it is present in all aspects of my life, especially art. I want to make art that speaks directly from the invisible self. I want to remain connected to who I am every step of the way, to check myself regularly, and to mediate whatever it is I wish to convey without fear, hesitation, or doubt, as honestly as possible, to the fullest extent of my ability, and I want to do it all with kindness and understanding. When I create from that place, it brings peace. It goes without saying that all of us in the band want to make a sustainable career out of music. We’d love to be able to make a living without jobs on the side just to survive, but even if that day never comes, I believe I will have succeeded, as what makes me feel successful is knowing that I’m doing my best to be true to myself and making connections with wonderful people. In turn, I feel I am rewarded in the form of lyrics, and melody, and visual art, and ideas, and jokes, and conversations, and my relationships, and above all else: a gentle state of being.
I can not emphasize enough that I am sooooo bad at this second part. It’s hard to hold onto such an intangible sense of purpose. Why I’m obliged to dedicate my life in pursuit of an inexplicable “feeling” is beyond me (for the record, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, either). Staying sane this last year has been mental warfare. I’m constantly overextending myself and losing the plot in worlds of distractions. My effort to not worry about all that lies ahead of me and to be present in any given moment, with work, with music, with friends, has been an extreme exercise in compartmentalization. I’ve been second-guessing every decision I make, feeling as if I’m always getting something wrong. Restless, I’ve spent hours thinking “what am I supposed to be doing?” “Where am I supposed to be?” It’s akin to the feeling you get when you walk into a room only to forget what brought you there, amplified exponentially, and applied to just existing. I’ve repeatedly convinced myself that I’m a bad friend, a bad partner, a bad sibling and daughter. I’ve been feeling devastated by my inabilities, certain of the risk they pose to anyone unfortunate enough to be close with me, especially the people in this band. I have been overwhelmed with fear that I’m going to fuck everything up, not just for myself, but for everybody. It’s paralyzing and has held me hostage, unable to move forward out of fear it will be in the wrong direction; teetering on the edge of some unseen apex fighting desperately not to fall backwards instead of taking one more step.
Battling my toxic internal monologue has been a constant struggle, whatever I manage to beat into submission seems to come back and haunt me. I’ve been waking up with full blown panic attacks in the middle of the night. It pains me to admit that I’ve caught myself quietly pining for illness or injury, something out of my control to befall me and excuse me from my commitments - what an asshole (looks like fear IS the mind killer). While I’d greatly prefer not to bring my darkest moments into the light, it’s here that my greatest lessons are learned, and it’s the perspective I have gained as a result that I am hoping to share with you now.
I have found myself dwelling upon a thought voiced by Shari a few months ago: why is it, when you’re giving it all you’ve got, when you’re really trying to make something special, why is it then that everything suddenly seems to stand in your way?
This last year has felt like a series of walls I needed to climb. I’ve been feeling so distressed and uncomfortable. There have been many barriers on the path, (my incessant self-doubt proving to be the greatest hurdle of them all), but why? Why now, when I know that I am capable, when I’m surrounded by talented, beautiful, supportive, like-minded people, AND we have a clear vision, AND not just the drive but - get this - the resources to actually execute it? Why now is it so hard to keep it together?
Out of the ether, an idea presented itself to me. The idea that the resistance felt is the shadow cast by the dream, and that shadow will be exactly proportional to the size of the dream. The dream, in my case: an intangible sense of purpose of which I barely have the ability to perceive combined with a want to aid in facilitating the abstract aspirations of the humans around me. Two driving forces that, when imbalanced, pull me in opposing directions. From this standpoint, it seems all of the resistance I have been faced with has been created entirely within myself. I just need to take the time to remember what it is that I want and adjust my sights in that direction. By doing so, I’ll grant myself the vision I need to keep moving forward, no matter how long or dark the shadow may be.
I’m comforted by the thought that the darkness I've been experiencing could mean I’m close to reaching something big. Afterall, the darkest point of a shadow - the umbra - is closest to the form from which it is cast. I’d like to think that all of the push back I’ve been experiencing has set me on the right track. I can recalibrate and move past self-pity because I’m not pitiful, I’m powerful. I can create something from nothing. I created this life for myself. I chose the path. I chose the pace, and I’ve come to remember that if ever it becomes too wearisome, then I can choose to rest or be it on me to find a different way altogether.
Even though I pushed myself far closer to the edge than I ever cared to be again, I’m proud of myself. I’m proud that I did the things I said I was going to do. I’m proud of the fact that I actually scheduled my time well enough to accomplish them all, and, going forward, I now know that it is imperative for me to schedule in some serious down time so I don’t have a mental fucking breakdown. I’ve certainly learned that I have got to stop putting such an outrageous amount of pressure on myself. I mean honestly, what kind of ego-maniac do you have to be to think that you have the power to ruin the lives of everyone you hold dear simply by taking a day off? I’m sorry, what was that? You’re begging for illness? Just take a nap or something, ya dumb fuck.
Though I remain effectively terrible at maintaining a healthy internal balance, (a fact that is painfully obvious as I mock myself immediately after promising not to be too hard on myself), I’m taking time to regain my focus. It’s not easy. It’s taken me nine days to compose this blog post, all the while asking myself “why am I doing this?” Just following that feeling, I suppose. I also really wanted to formally introduce Shari, who, by agreeing to be a part of this, has breathed new life into our sails and elevated the experience for all of us (she’s the best).
In sharing this, all I want is for anyone who might read this to get to the end and feel that they understand. It seems a lot of people are feeling pretty low these days, so perhaps it’s even relatable. In which case, it's nice to remember that you’re not alone.
I am feeling incredibly drained, and though I long for a month in the wilderness, there is much to be done and the infinite boundless to explore. At least now I think I'm finally ready to press forward into the dark.
Love you, boos.
-e.
P.S.
If you thought this post couldn’t get any longer, think again! In all my ruminations I’ve left out a couple important things that need mentioning:
While Andi, Geoff and I were in Bad Buddy limbo, wondering how to go about finding a unicorn bass player/backup singer, we split the role into two people - Daniel Sedmak and Amber Suchy. These two brilliant musicians and absolutely fantastic people made it possible for us to keep this lovely little dream alive. It was a joy playing music with them. Their time spent with Bad Buddy, however brief, was invaluable. We can not express enough gratitude for what they have done for us. Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts.
I also never actually gave a single update about what the fuck Bad Buddy has even been doing with our time in the shadows. To keep it brief: we’ve been cooking up a new album that we’ll be recording at the end of January. I locked myself in my basement for four days and cranked out eight songs (not all of which are for bb), which was bonkers. Andi’s also been pumping out the hits. We actually did our first proper co-write which was a completely unique and special experience for the both of us. All four of us shipped out of town and did a full band creative retreat where we arranged and rehearsed the new tunes. That was followed by a second week in Edmonton to start putting some polish on what is going to become the new record. We are SO excited to share these new songs with you, I think they’re really really really great. To top it off, we’ve got not one, not two, but THREE music videos that we’ll be shooting your way in the future. Also blahblahblah shows and new merch and photos n shiet blahblahblahh - you get it. PHEW. Ok. That’s all I got for now. Thanks for sticking with us. xo.
